i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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