I'm so fucking centered right now
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
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