I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
