i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Randomize
