Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Moan for me like Helen Keller
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
She's the barista slut.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
