My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
