oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
