your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
