Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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