I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
