I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
being pregnant is like rehab
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
