I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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