there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Someone shattered a urinal.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
