I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
We had to coat check the pizza.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
