we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
my poor anus
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
