my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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