i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
The feeling are messing with the penis
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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