Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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