I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
