I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
