You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
