A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
