also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
