My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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