Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Randomize
