Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
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