we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
