You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
