I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
