Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
