I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
