i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Randomize
