Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
