God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
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