Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
