his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
