But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
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