so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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