I wanna passion pit in your ass
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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