your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Randomize
