Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
