If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
