JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
