we have pet lesbian snakes
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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