giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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