You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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