awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
