I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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