Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
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