Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
