I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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