we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
