So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
