theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
