im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
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