Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
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