Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Randomize
