mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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