K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Randomize
