i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
