Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
