Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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