Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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