my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
