Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
