Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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