Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
